If I reach back into the depths of my memory, I think I can remember when “No” started to slip out of my vocabulary. I was a stubborn child who danced to her own drummer; I did what I did, even if it made no sense to anybody else. I would have ruled the world if someone had let me, so much so, my mom felt the need to tell my kindergarten teacher to not let me loose this vivacious power. My mom always saw the inner power I possessed and since she was the adult, she knew how the turbulence of life can often steal that from us women.

I don’t really know what happened but somewhere in there I got lost and the world took over. I’m not too sure what it was really; it might have been one event but I’m pretty sure it was a series of events that slowly changed me. Bit by bit, much like a river carving a path, the world carved one in me. I began to learn being powerful was not ok, speaking up was not ok, saying “no” was not ok, being sarcastic and witty was not ok, being strong was just…. not…. ok. Although, I don’t think it has helped that I don’t really like conflict, I’m a bit of perfectionist and love to make people happy

When I was young, one of my siblings had some difficulties learning social cues, emotion control and communication. My innate desire to keep peace and help out kicked in. I would do whatever I could to keep things calm and peaceful; sometimes it meant doing chores without being asked other times it meant agreeing just to keep the calm. In school I started to see there was a pecking order. As much as I wanted to be at the top of that social order, I learned my place earlier enough that I just didn’t have the fight in me. As I said, like a river, the pathway, little by little, got carved and with every comment and situation it became harder and harder to stand up, and instead became so much easier to submit. I slowly became a more of everyone else and a little less of me.

Over the past few years and some life turmoil I have begun to get pretty fed up with being walked on. My mom and I have talked about it quite a bit….I realized I didn’t want to wait until I got a good dose of the mid-life “I don’t give a f***s.” I wanted to create my freedom and confidence now. So, while working with a life coach I have started to take a closer look at the things in my life and what I agree to. We have started the conversation of who am I and what is my vision. It wasn’t until I had a younger coworker struggling with boundaries at work that I was able to see my behaviours more clearly and was able to take make changes. I clearly remember the day she came to me with something and I said to her something I had heard in an Oprah interview with Viola Davis….the idea of “no” as a complete sentence. That it’s ok to say just that with no excuses or reasons, just NO. That it’s ok to put yourself first, that it’s ok to have strength and boundaries. It was only in this moment of explaining this to her I was able to reflect back on myself. I was able to look at all the moments I said “no”, and then gave a list of excuses because I felt I should have said “yes.” I was able to look at all the times I said “yes” because I had no reasons available to give…even though “no” is a completely acceptable answer.

Much like muscles that have atrophied, my ability to say “no” is a bit of learning curve. I often struggle with knowing the difference between a “yes” and “no” and when a “no” is coming from a place of fear and when a “yes” is coming from a place of guilt. See, when I started saying yes to things, I also started to loose a sense of self and what it is exactly I enjoy doing and what my values are.

What are things you say “yes” to when you mean “no”? Are they coming from a genuine place or is it because you feel you should, or no available reasons? Is the answer coming from a place of fear or guilt? What are you giving up in saying “yes” to everything?