What remains

They weren’t mine, it wasn’t supposed to be my sadness to carry and yet all I could feel was a gaping hole where abundant love was supposed to be.

The day my family found out my brother was having twin boys was so joyous. I already had two nieces; sparkly, rough and tumble, vibrant little souls that brought so much abundance to my life. I was overwhelmed with love to find out there would be TWO more added. See, my family is very close, we always have been, and when one person experience joy, sadness, loss or strife we all do. We stick together and support each other. My brothers’ children are kinda mine, I put the time and effort in to creating and cultivating a relationship with them. So when my brother and his wife were expecting twins we were ALL expecting twins; it takes a village right.

Two years ago I experienced a type of duality I never thought I’d ever experience. When all the emotions collided I was left standing on a distant shore in a blanket of fog, screaming but no sound could be heard and no beacon could be found. It wasn’t my grief to carry and yet the hole in my heart was gaping and throbbing.

My brother was on the other end of the line, he was trying to keep it together. The littler one didn’t make it. I had a healthy nephew, but his brother didn’t make it. I wasn’t supposed to feel the loss, I’m not their mother, I wasn’t having the twins. I remember stepping outside of myself trying to focus on the the joy of the little one that did remain, congratulating my brother for the arrival of his son, how elated I was to meet him. All the while watching myself in disbelief.

I have sat down with my brother a few times since then and talked about what happened for him that day. The more we unpack it the more levels of grief we see as individuals and as a family.

Every year on this day I feel a bit of grief. I wonder who would have spoke first, taken the first step and what type of chaos and mischief they would have created for their parents, especially in collusion with their sister. I struggle with allowing myself to feel the grief as they aren’t mine and yet when a family member experiences life we all do. And in all this I feel robust happiness for getting the chance to experience the joy of my nephew. His bubbly curious personality, his little grunts when he wants something and that toothy glowing smile light up my heart.

I have realized duality is what makes life. It’s ok to feel sadness, even when I think it’s not mine to bear. It is in my soul and that alone is enough. The more I allow the sadness to seep through the cracks the greater the elation I feel.