Becoming Who I am

Throughout my life I have felt such a strong yearning to seek who I truly am. It’s been a magnetic force; something so intangible it becomes difficult to explains to those on autopilot, ploughing through the monotony of life.

This true place of self is only ever felt and seen in flighting moments; as I dance around my living room, paint frantically trying to get all the magic down before it’s lost, the instant I walk into a room, the joy upon my face while caring for those around me. I have always strived to hold onto these fleeting moments and at the same time struggled with conforming to societal norms. Every time I have stuffed the true me down chaos strikes. It is in those times I have had depression, anorexia, anxiety, and OCD tendencies. It’s those deep dark shameful things I never speak of and yet it is those deep dark shameful things that bring me here. It is time to speak of those things and share those struggles, bring them to the light, share the stories and rid the shame. See, it’s because of those gremlins that have I landed here. For years it has been a cycle I have turned to when I didn’t measure up, when heartache struck, life got hard or when tragedy struck. It is only now that I have finally wanted to be rid of it, it is only now that I am coming to realize how desperate I am to reconnect to my true self, my essence…..it is in this place of love, connectedness, tranquility, passion and creativeness that the chaos stops. It is this place that I desire to journey back to.

What I have realized is that I have spent a large portion of my life seeking out my purpose and who I am, constantly looking forward and looking to things around me. But the reality is I need to look back. Look back to the child I was, it is then that I can see myself in my purest form, my truest joy and my most honest essence. It’s not about becoming as I can’t become something I already am….it’s about just being.

This is my journey to reclaiming my sacred inner place and wrapping my arms around that beautiful, perfect child that so desperately wants to be loved.